Shields Up!

Boundaries Are Our Best Self-Protection.

Many years ago I had a social work mentor that was apt to give me this feedback. She would say, “Milly, no one can “make you” feel anything.” 

Now some twenty-plus years later, I respectfully disagree. We live in a crazy world and people can behave in ways that are hurtful and cause harm. 

bell hooks says this;

“We can not separate mental health from the madness of creating self and identity in a capitalist, patriarchal, white supremacist world.” 

Injustice and oppression make us feel all kinds of ways. And systemic  oppression can make us feel crazy afraid, crazy sad, crazy angry. But that does not mean we are “crazy”, it means we live in a crazy world. 

Following my last blog on “Feedback is not an Attack” a friend, who lives in this world as a Black man, gave me this feedback. 

He said, “If we need to abstain from a stance of self-protection that leads to defensiveness, how do we know when we actually need to protect ourselves?” 

That is a damn good question. Especially from the perspective of a Black man in this culture of white supremacy. 

I have a friend who will send a single line text on days when the news of the world is overwhelming. The text will just read,

“OK Ladies, Shields Up!”

The intention of her text is to remind us “ladies” that we have permission to set necessary boundaries. Sometimes some of us need permission to set boundaries. Sometimes some of us need a directive to set necessary boundaries. At least, I do. Boundaries are difficult for me as a woman, social worker, priest, friend, lover, and a mother. Boundaries can be difficult when identity is defined by roles that require constant caretaking and a sharp focus on other’s well-being. Especially in a white supremacist capitalist patriarchal world. 

“Shields Up!”

So, how do we know when we need to self-protect and defend ourselves and when we are “safe” to receive feedback and remain in relationship. 

First, no one but you really knows the answer to that question. You are your best advisor. Your body knows, your heart knows, your gut knows. Yet, for me, because of trauma, my body and heart want to protect me so fiercely that I need to check myself with people I trust before I am clear and confident about when I should self-protect in moments of conflict. 

When does feedback become an attack?

I have been held at gunpoint, twice. I have been hit, and I have been verbally assaulted. (Check on your friends that do In-home crisis interventions with families and children, it is no joke.) 

In those moments it was rather clear to me that self-protection was necessary for my survival. But most of the time, I hope, we are not in moments of conflict when things are that clearly unsafe. Most of the time when we get defensive, out of the felt need to self-protect, we are probably safe enough to stay present and work through the conflict. 

There are moments though, when emotionally we are not as safe as we could be or want to be, and some action of self-protection is required. So, to my friend’s point, how do we know and what do we do, when we don’t feel safe enough in a friendship, work environment or in our own home. 

Shields Up!

Boundaries are the personal limits and rules individuals set for themselves to protect their physical, emotional, and mental well-being in relationships and interactions. 

You have permission to set boundaries. Sometimes the rules and limits we set truly protect us, and other times they just cut off connection, because we don’t have the resources we need to face the conflict in front of us at that exact moment. And frankly, that is ok. 

If we do not yet have the resources we need to handle a conflict, creating distance in the relationship makes sense, for a while, until we get the resources we need to face the conflict. 

If we cut off connections every time there is a conflict, or someone makes us feel uncomfortable, the only thing we limit is our own growth. 

You never need to defend your boundaries. Boundaries are clear limits and can be stated with clarity and compassion. Circling back to my friend’s question, when a conflict feels like an attack, and we have determined that certain behaviors don’t work for us, we can simply say that. 

Now look, I know that sounds terribly easy, but it isn’t. Saying something doesn’t work for us in a relationship that matters to us, or impacts our life is hard to do.

Shields Up.

It’s hard to do because of the culture we live in. White supremacy, capitalist and patriarchal. Some of us have been taught that we don’t deserve boundaries. Or that when we set them we are being selfish or demanding, or hypersensitive, or angry. 

At times we can respond to this by simply not setting our boundaries, because the fear of being rejected for setting boundaries or stating our needs feels even more unsafe than not getting our needs met.

Being held at gunpoint is a clear indication of the need for boundaries.

But what about in day-to-day relationships, when people we work with or love consistently make us feel bad, nervous, unloved, or disrespected? How do we know, it’s not about me, it’s about you. 

When “Feedback” is a front for an attack.

1. They name-call. Feedback should never include labeling people as bad or calling people names. 
2. There are clear threats. They use their body or power in some way to intimidate while communicating with words. 
3. Necessary information is withheld. When people give us feedback but withhold information about the actions that led to the feedback and offer no opportunity for repair, or they withhold information about their own behaviors in the conflict, that is not feedback, that is projection. When people consistently project their wounds onto us, rather than dealing with them directly and clearly, that does not lead to healthy connections. 
4. Our human rights are not considered. We all have the right to be free, make our own decisions, and change our minds. It is not healthy for people to demand we stay rigid and unchanged. Our growth and evolution should not consistently create conflict in loving relationships. 

This is not an exhaustive list of what an attack looks like. These are simply non-negotiables in my relationships. When these situations occur I know it is time to set some clear boundaries to protect my well-being.  

Take some time to consider what your non-negotiables are in relationships and write them down. Then when you feel “unsafe” you have something to return to that can remind you of what you need and expect from a healthy relationship.

Then the work becomes stating your boundaries, without attacking back. Boundaries are not about winning the conflict, or being right. Boundaries are about creating a life where you can be the person you most want to be, while staying connected to others. 

You are not crazy for needing boundaries. It is not crazy or selfish or hypersensitive to say something doesn’t work for you. 

Shields up, friends. It’s a crazy world out there.