What If We Are Not As Sober As We Think We Are? Accountability is not Attack. 

“I don’t think you are as sober as you think you are.” I said these words to a friend yesterday. And no, we weren’t out drinking. We were taking shelter from the deluge of rain that was pouring down outside in the comfort of a bookstore. We were just sitting and talking. We were talking about life and how to live it. 

Turns out R.E.M was right, 

“Raise the walls and shout its flaws, a carpenter should rest.

So that when you tire of one side the other serves you best.

Listen, listen to the holler, If I write a book it will be called “Life and How to Live It”. 

Or at least I think that’s what they say?  You know, it is hard to tell with R.E.M.

When we give or receive feedback or hold someone accountable to expectations, often we do one of two things. We either, “raise the walls”, or we “shout the flaws”. Sometimes we do both. 

People often come to me for feedback when they are in conflict. Many times I have been told after offering feedback, “Well, I guess I don’t come to you for the warm and fuzzies, do I?” 

What if we are not as sober as we think we are?

The past few weeks I have noticed people feeling increasingly defensive when they are being offered feedback about how they have impacted others. The defensiveness can show up as silence and shut down, or it can look like an explosion. 

A family member recently made a mistake. When I shared the consequences of the mistake with them and named the behaviors that caused harm, they immediately began to list the reasons that it was wrong to experience their behavior as harmful. 

None of their explanations changed the consequences. The consequences were simply the natural result of their actions. Rather than taking the feedback as information, they experienced the feedback as an attack. 

No one responds well to being attacked. When we feel attacked we will naturally defend ourselves. Unless, that is, we are sober. Unless we have cultivated the abstinence from self-protection.  

Sobriety is much more than not drinking, or not using drugs, or not shopping at TJ Maxx every Saturday. Sobriety is about having insight into why we do these things. Sobriety is becoming curious about how these behaviors protect us. 

We are all addicted to something. Every single one of us has habits that make us feel safe, but that actually cause us harm. 

In my house as a child I learned to seek solitude in the woods or in my room to avoid the chaos. That was really smart. As a child I learned to go to the elder neighbor’s house for cookies and ice cream when my parents placed me on a restrictive diet at age six. That was really smart. 

But now, seeking solitude when I am hurting actually causes harm. 

I feel safer, but am I? 

Now, at age 51, restricting my food intake, or eating sweets and hiding it from others is not necessary. I am a grown woman and I can eat when I am hungry and I can choose what I eat. But there are times when those old protective actions of hiding and isolation creep up as the best options to protect myself and get my needs met. 

If as children we were given feedback about our mistakes but seldom told that people were truly proud of us, then perhaps we learned that feedback was an attack, because we were little and afraid of rejection or we felt a lot of shame. Maybe then we learned to shut down and not hear the person talking. Or maybe we did that as a child and it felt horrible and so we promised ourselves we would never do that again. So now as an adult we fight being held accountable with the force of a raging four year old. 

Maybe we are not as sober as we think we are.

Feedback is not an attack. Feedback is how we learn what works for others, and what does not, in relationships. When I feel attacked by feedback, that is good information for me. But that feeling of being attacked does not need to drive my decision-making. 

So, how do we learn not to shut down or escalate in the face of feedback and accountability? 

First, we notice. We notice how we naturally respond to feedback. Maybe we even ask a few friends, “when you have given me feedback, how have I responded”. 

Then we get curious.

What were we protecting? 

In the ongoing conversation with my family member about their mistake. They said, “I hate it when I act in immature ways. It makes me feel so dumb.”

Ok, there. They felt dumb when facing their mistake. They decided to defend themselves rather than to feel dumb. That makes a lot of sense. 

And yet, it’s not true. They made a mistake. And they are not dumb. 

Sobriety is abstaining from addictive substances, according to Merriam-Webster. 

People only change addictive patterns when the old way becomes more exhausting than trying something new. Being defensive is exhausting. Protecting ourselves all the time is exhausting. Avoiding the truth is exhausting. To get sober, we need to get to the truth. What are we seeking to protect by abusing substances or by behaving in patterns that actually end up hurting us?

Getting to the truth is not something we can do alone. We need to hear the truth of how we impact others, and to accept the consequences of our actions. We can take all that as information. Information about the truth of this moment, rather than a judgement of our worth. 

If I am protecting the wounded parts of myself, rather than the wounded person right in front of me, we are both less able to get to the truth. 

Truth evolves and we evolve. Building a healthy and happy life is a process, not a product. And a healthy happy life is constructed by the connections around us.  We are the carpenters of our life. As carpenters we need to listen and notice, when we tire of taking sides, of raising walls or shouting flaws. That will serve us best. 

Those are just a few of my learnings about life and how to live it. I welcome your feedback. 

How to practice receiving feedback:

1. Start practicing on purpose. Ask for feedback and notice how you respond. This can give us moments to practice where we feel more in control. Feeling in control helps us to feel safe. 
2. Notice your body when you get feedback. Notice if you are tense. Notice if you go numb. Notice without judgement.
3. Have a “one-liner” that both gives you space to notice while also reassuring the other person or people that you are present and hearing them. “I am so grateful you are telling me this.” “What you are saying is so important, thank you.” Say it, even if you aren’t able to believe it at that moment. We can say these words, trusting they are true, even if we don’t feel them in that moment. 
4. Stay physically present. This goes against a lot of recommendations for dealing with conflict. But if possible stay physically present with the other while you notice your response. Maybe even ask for silence while you take in what has been offered. Try to regulate your central nervous system, while you stay present. Walking away is a form of shutting down and can actually escalate the conflict.
5. Breathe and notice if you feel safe at that moment. Ask yourself, am I safe right now? Often we are safe, but the wounded part of us, the part that is trying to protect us, tells us that we are not safe. Be curious, am I safe right now?
6. Lean into the reality of the moment. Lean into gratitude that someone values you enough to share their experience directly with you. Feedback is an act of love. Lean into the love.